Sunday, August 19, 2007


Okay, I'm seriously arachnaphobic. Like I have nightmares about spiders coming down from the ceiling as I'm sleeping: and I'm talking spiders like the ones in Harry Potter movies, not real spiders. The irony of it all is that spiders seem to sense this and try and find me. Seriously! My husband doesn't have as many incidences with spiders as I'd think they'd report back to the queen mother spider and tell her that I KILL THEM and he lets them they should frequent his company and NOT MINE!!! So just this evening, as Jason and I were dining out in a wonderful local pub, we met a nice English couple who couldn't help but chastize me for exaggerating the size of the spiders here. We started talking about the differences between England and Colorado, where we moved from, and I mentioned that I didn't have a spider problem in Colorado (yes, I know there are black widows and tarantulas there...just not where I lived) So I had to explain how I found a spider Wednesday evening who died a slow and tragic death as he was trampled to death. It was just unfortunate that he died such an untimely death by my husband's shoe. Really. What is REALLY ironic is that, later that evening, I started to feel extremely guilty about forcing Jason to kill that spider. I kept thinking it might have been a mommy spider and left her poor little darlings without food. Now I realize that, well, I don't care!!! If I see 'em, they have to DIE!!!

So, we got home from dinner a few hours ago. Since Wednesday, I've been on serious spider patrol, checking every wall, nook and cranny for these damn nuisances. (oh, don't flame me for that comment, yes they kill bugs, yada yada yada...) Oh, did I mention the one I found Wednesday I found in my bathroom on the second floor???? THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO UP THERE!!! THAT'S MY TERRITORY!!!!!!

So I'm sitting at my computer minding my own business. Really! Well, wouldn't ya know it....ONE JUST CRAWLED OVER MY FREAKIN' FOOT!!!!! I'm not kidding. I screamed so loud I must have alerted my neighbors (of course, Jason slept through it he would sleep through the second coming if he felt he needed to!!). Now, this spider was gracious enough to stop for a photo opportunity...even nice enough to allow me to place a ruler next to it so I could accurately tell people how damn big the guy was. At first I didn't believe my eyes. I thought, no way! It has to be a fragment of my imagination. How on earth did that damn thing get under my computer desk without me seeing it first...considering I'm on "spider patrol" since finding that one a few days ago. So I took my pictures and then debated on how to rid my spider-free house of this...well...thing. It's 1:30 in the morning, I can't really scream for my husband to come get it, I can't do a little dance and hope it'll disappear. I could be humane, get a glass and try to move the thing myself. Yep, really. I so see myself doing that at 1:30AM. Hmmm. Maybe my "spider catch & release training program" will just have to take place on another day when the hubby is home to assist in training me. I consider myself to still be a rookie on how to correctly remove this atrocious crawling 8-legged I don't want to do it unattended. Just because I'm a total geek, I consider it to be similar to doing the cracked glass technique: do you do it alone the first time, or with a seasoned professional? How about setting eyelets? Yep, catching a huge spider in a small glass is something you must be trained to do!

Just because I know there are people who won't believe me when I explain this, I had to get factual pictures to showcase the true size of this guy. No, he isn't huge. But frankly, if they get bigger than my pinkie finger, they are too big for my house! So, tip of the leg to tip of the leg, he's a 3" spider. Yep: three inches! I'm sorry, but that's too damn big for my house. I can handle daddy longlegs with their little itty bitty bodies and hair-thin legs...but this guys body was about an inch and his legs were pretty damn long. He actually ran from my first attempt at murder and hid under the leg of my table, so I had to try again. Gee, can I be arrested for multiple attempts at murder of an arachnid? I guess this constitutes premeditated murder as well...cuz I murdered him a couple of times. He died by lethal injection and suffocation of "vape wasp and fly killer". It was all I had. :-)

Out of all of this, I can say I'm fortunate the dog and cat weren't around. Both think spiders are fun toys to play with...and frankly, this guy might have been able to take 'em. I seriously don't feel like dealing with a spider bight this late on a Sunday night/Monday morning....and when the cat meandered over while I was in the midst of the murder, I ordered her to go away. She actually obeyed...which is a feat in itself!!!
ETA: my mommy reprimmanded me in a comment...apparently I use the word "damn" too much. Well, mom, consider that I'll use the word "damn" every time you use the word "ain't". If you stop using ain't, I'll stop using damn. How about that?!?! :-) In retrospect, I think damn is a pretty calm word, considering my overall emotional level at the time of the "incident"...I could have dropped f-bombs every other word (would blogspot even allow that?? hmmm).

I've loved reading the comments on here and Splitcoast, where I also posted my trials and tribulations with's good to know that others feel the same way about these godforsaken creatures the way that I do!! As one person commented: the only good spider is a DEAD one!! hee hee


Nikki said...

EWWWWWWWWW I've had some spiders like that in my house when we lived in KY. It's almost comical how I scream....then stand there frozen thinking what to and get the can of bug spray and almost wasted the whole can on it! LOL LOL Soooo dramatic! I UNDERSTAND!!! Spiders don't belong INSIDE!!! Good luck! :)

nadine529 from SCS said...

oh my gosh, this entry had me cracking up and yet also feeling the heebiejeebies big time!!! I agree, a good spider is a dead one!!!

Anonymous said...

Jennie -
Your new friends remind me of the ones you grew up with in Cincinnati, Ohio. One thing you need to look for (carefully of course) is whether these have 'fur' like the ones in our basement and garage on Centurion Drive.

Also, dear daughter, I've never seen you use 'damn' so much.


Ijsbeer said...

I know this is old but I just saw it. I am currently invaded by spiders. My room and bathroom is in a cellar. I frequently find spiders in both. But most is in the hallway on the way to my room. I learned to live in peace with them to a large extent. But any spider near my bed however small or big is dead. Just the fear of it crawling on me at night. Any spider in my shower or moving around in the bathroom is dead too as I don't see much at night. I have a corner where they like to sit. They can sit there for months without moving and those I just leave.

Recently though someone of them have ventured upstairs. We don't normally get really huge ones in Norway and none that are said to be poisounes. But the ones that come upstairs are enourmous. And extremly fast. When my brother was still home on vacation a couple of weeks ago we where sitting playing a game on playstation when one of these turned up. Now even he freaked out. We didn't even dare killing it the shoe way so my brother got out the vacuum killer and we started to vacuum the spider and the whole house in fear of having strength enough to crawl out of the vacuum cleaner. It was 01.30 and my parents didn't even hear us! All those that aren't afraid of spiders always sleep when you need them..

Hope you don't find anymore. I'd be unable to sleep if one that huge crawled over my feet! And loved the way you wrote this. It was pretty funny except for the photos of the spider. shiver